Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
