Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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