I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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