remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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