evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
