I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
