get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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