sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
