after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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