My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
