Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
