Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
