Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
