After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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