i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
