I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
