That's when you crack a 10am beer
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
