Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
