I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
