Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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