so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
