apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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