A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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