As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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