oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
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Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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