man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
