Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
