Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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