everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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