I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
