i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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