My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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