when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
