using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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