Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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