Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
