need another drink. this is the easiest way
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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