it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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