You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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