just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
