i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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