I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge my taste in strippers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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