I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
