Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
