i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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