If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
