We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
