I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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