i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
