A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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