im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
