she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
