"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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