then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
