hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
