i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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