The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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