it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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